When Assignment Comes, A Philosopher is Re-born

It is so typical of me to think about existentiality, future and life when there is this proverbial pile of task scattered around, like my real-life room mess. But muse – as any self-respecting thinker will tell you – always come at unexpected, and often annoying, time.

Sure, I could always ignore it, but guess I’ve done enough ignoring already. It is infuriating, the nagging of ignoring.

But then, does contemplating will yield any result, at all? Or is it just a poor man substitute for what human truly long for? And though I really want to tell myself it is okay, it is alright not to know, it is not alright.

And maybe that’s the problem, always been the problem. What you are living for, that’s the priceless— much more precious than 1 million – question.

A Single Post for Blog, A Giant Leap in Months

Yo, all. Finally an update. And trust me, this blog hasn't met its premature demise… yet. So I have speaketh and it shall be done according to my faith. Hah. I wish everything could be more like this. (oh me little faith!)

Does this mean I'm finally having too much time? No my dear friends, I am, in fact, having many things to do, things to ask, answers to reply, works to be done and tasks to be completed.

And yet.. And yet..

Such is life. (What a sad excuse for an excuse. On a brighter side, it's an excuse for me to use this awesome sentence. So there is still hope when everything seems so bleak, apparently.)

So yeah, I am just going to be busier and busier what with the Final Year Project and other commitments and duties to fulfil. I am still undecided whether this is good or bad. Somehow, I sense the answer to this dilemma will be the same as almost everything: well, it got its good and bad side.

And maybe I will write more.

..and maybe if I continue to convince myself it will be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Heh.

Basinception

This comment from io9 made my day. Or night.

Lazy ‘Song’ Writing

It's not stream, it's not down, but shut up.

Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream.
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream.

Come on songwriters, put some thought and effort in making song lyric. Even kiddy song can have meaning, so don’t be lazy with those repeating meaningless cliché lyric!

Oh, and for all ‘modern singer’ and ‘artist’ (with quotes because I am doubting your status as artist), stop with the damned monotone rubbish called techno and disco. But people listen to them, so they must be doing something right, right? Wrong. Just create real art and stop with this madness. I hesitate calling today’s popular ‘song’ as song, it’s just mindless beat and synthetic sound, purely made for the purpose of torturing me (getting ahead of myself? Me?! Heh, never!)

Rant is over, nobody is listening, nothing is changed. So why am I writing this? Procrastinating? Ah, of course not. *eyes flitting around, nervously playing with thumbs* Photo by Kailas Shastry

Mystery Revealed.

Fear not! The awesome me is here to write more self-praising rambling and unimportant rubbish. You might wonder why I’m updating with so much zeal. Really?! 3 posts in less than 2 days?! I iz awesomez, no?!

I iz awesome!!! by I can haz cheezburger?

Wonder no more, the mystery will be revealed. Here, now, in a few seconds. Patience, son, to succeed you need to be patient. And have rich parents or lots a money. And be awesome.

..anyway.

The creative juice is flowing, the inspirations are so focused in this one very spot – my messy room or what I'd like to call organized-in-only-me-can-understand room, it’s like you can blindly grab words with ninja-like speed from the very air, squished them together and they will auto magically sync with the rest. It's like me and words are new BFF. Yeah, it’s all flower, rainbow, cookies and unicorns here. What do unicorn eat anyway? Flower or cookies? Or, heaven forbid, rainbow?!

Don't be fooled. Unicorns eat dream and hope. Image by Digrasian.

Truth to be told, it’s just combo of free time and The State. And I don’t have the heart to give those inspirational moments premature death by doing assignment. I’m not heartless, ruthless enough.

Or in another simple, single word: *ashamed whisper* procrastinating.

I will do my assignment, sure… eventually.

I really suck at time-management. I should be ashamed for myself. Maybe I should go cry and reflect on the corner with sad, angsty song as background music.

Just not now. Maybe later, or tomorrow, or I don’t know, when I feel like it?

Most Awesome Morning Caused by My Awesomeness

WOW. It’s 7 in the morning. 6 in Batam. It’s been forever since I’m willingly wake up at this time without feeling sleep-deprived. Nope, no such memory at all. Which basically means.. I’m awesome, to sleep early and wake up early, is good for body (direct Mandarin saying translation). Muahaha.

On another hand, last conscious thought before I went to La la Land is to do assignment in the morning. Which is like, now. But I’ve lost my motivation already. Oh well, procrastination is one of my hobby anyway which led me to always sleep late.

And I had the guts to doubt my self as Judging rather than Perceiving. Oh, heresy!

Yea, I take back what I say last night. Morning is awesome. So long as you had enough sleep and free time. Which might as well as rare as alignment of 8 planets. But one can hope, right?

Oh, and while we are in optimistic-to-the-point-of-delusional hoping, I’d like a time-machine please.To change the past or future? Too boring and troublesome. Why, to take dinosaur home as pet, of course.

And by this rambling I’m pretty sure it’s the morning that befuddled my thought. Yes, must be the morning.

Night, don’t you just love it?

I love the night. I love the mysterious darkness. I love the way street lamps light shine exceptionally bright. I love the companionable silence between me and my thought.

Remind me again why we have annoying blinding sun?

Oh, to remind us not to take night as granted. To brighten the world.  To give plants superpower to create nutrition and those fancy chemical stuffs, which we stole from eating them and animals which eat plants. We stole from those poor, defenceless plants! …by eating them.

And to make the darned cold go away. This alone is enough reason for it to be useful.

I love the night. I tolerate noon. But I still hate the morning which always gives me groggy feeling after waking up. Oh well, time to live is grace I suppose. And I’m thankful for the chance to live.

But right now? Let me just enjoy the night.

Sick. No, not that kind of sick (which can be any kind of sick).

I’m sick. Not totally-unable-to-move from-bed or delirious fever but still, sick.

The weird thing is, I don’t even know the rebellion reasons of my own physical, worldly body. Normally, my body has proper and structured steps, rules and protocols (as befitting of one with respectable and high social status) for sickness (for someone who don’t usually follow rule, my body acted differently. Irony? Karma? Compensation?) :

1. Tired
2. Sneezing and phlegm-ing (anybody had better proper word?)
3. Sore throat 
4. Light fever 
5. If doesn’t get enough sleep and rest, in this state, my body will throw tantrum with heavier fever

But today, my body (it’s awkward calling it ‘my body’, let’s call it The Body) goes from step one, and one night-sleep later, directly jump into step 3 in the morning and step 4 in the evening.

Has The Body caught up with my rebellious nature to rules? Does he want to break free from confining chain, restricting jail of one called Rule?

And yes, I’m halfway at step 5 now. What can I say? I find it easier when there is less voices in my head (I’m not crazy. …..I hope so), which usually only happen in rare occurrences of being sick and halfway stimulated brain tired.

Opportunity is opportunity. (Or just another excuse to sleep late. Heh.)

Resolution

Photo: INDIVIDUALITY by cfinke

I've always a self-conscious child. I'm still a self-conscious young man . It means I thought people will notice the foolishness, mistake I made to the point of paranoia. It makes me shy, only wanted to blend in, fit in.

But now, after years struggling, I had it enough. And thus, I declared: I would not try to fit in anymore. Not anymore, not now, not in the future.

It's not foolishness; it's total madness. Trying to be what I am not, that is. And even if somehow I found a way to hold the mask long enough, it's just not worth it.

So what if I'm shy, awkward, not a great talker? It's who I am, and most of the times, it's easier to follow the current rather than fight it. Not to say I'm a coward (not in this case, anyway), but some fights are not worth it. Heck, most of fights are not worth it.

As my Enneagram (it's one popular type of personality system) type states, I'm a 5-4-9. All the three type I had is passive type (and some people wonder why I'm so lazy. It's not laziness, people, it's passiveness!).

But hey, the description of 5-4-9 taken from Personality Types certainly had the paradox I love.

5-4-9: shy, somewhat fragile and a bit romantic, such Fives tend to put on a congenial facade to hide their rich inner worlds from the society. They outwardly appear friendly but reserved, usually mysterious to other people who sense there is more depth and intensity hidden behind their amiable mask. These Fives have rich imaginations and love to immerse themselves in thoughts and fantasies. They are introspective, dreamy, creative and socially withdrawn, but also disorganized and painfully avoidant.

typical subtypes: self-preserving, sexual, 5w4
similar tritypes: 5-9-4, 9-5-4, 4-5-9
flavours: insightful, imaginative, enigmatic and unstructured

Mysterious. I like the word. So far, only one person had said it to me directly.

Confused Twenties

There was a time I thought I don't need goal. With intelligence and hardwork, I would achieve anything my heart set to. Dream, motivation and planning are reserved for lesser human.

I was at Primary 4. I was 10 years-old.

Now -- another lifetime for the 10 years-old me -- I've learnt, at least enough to know it was such an arrogant thought, based on nothing but ignorance laced with hint of naivety.

I understand enough what defines man, sets course to his whole life, boiled down to this simple, overused word: Goal.

Not many things worth the energy and time -- or more specifically -- my whole life dedication. Among those worthy few, I wonder whether the payback would be greater than sacrifice?

I wonder, while standing in the great gate of transition, whether I had the luxury of time to contemplate passion and courage to jump the risks?

I wonder if I could find purpose of life; and if I did, dare I, would I, could I give up everything to pursuit it?

And I tell myself: Welcome abroad from angsty teenage to the confused twenties.

Passion

To rediscover yourself. That's one of the best thing that ever happen to men, if Myles Kennedy and Jason Mraz are any indication.

I found it quite staggering. Both men are two of my favourite musician and singer in the world. You can just felt it when listening to their song, they don't just sing, it's more like they pour their heart and soul out through songs. It’s what distinguish them from dozens of dozens rubbish singers out there.

When checking out Myles Kennedy profile, he's a guy who had risen from depression caused by hearing problem. For a born musician and singer (figuratively speaking, of course) like him, with music flows blood-vessel, printed in the DNA, hearing problem sounds (no pun intended) almost a death sentence. His life will never be the same, only not in a good way. How do I know? Well, just imagine the reason for you to wake up in the morning, and never be able to do it again, not in your whole life. No wonder his written song is so dark. But in spite of the overall darkness, what about him that really captivates me is: he sings with all his heart.

Then, Jason Mraz. His songs, oh his songs, totally in different level than others. Completely unique from most of the crap found in song billboard and sung by popular singers. Great songwriter, amazing musician, stunning singer, quirky personality, he got it all; all the ingredients that makes truly great artist stand out from others. And because I mostly listen to his fast-beat and creatively improvised live (his live songs is much more better, another trait that doesn’t shared with many artists) 'Tonight Not Again Live' album, it surprised me written in his biography that in 2006  he wants a break and suddenly rediscover himself (in Mraz’s own quirky way, I believe) after few months.

Both awesome men gets me thinking. It’s like a great person will always had a great experience. And after some pondering, I guess it’s quite logical and makes sense. Even after so long of a time, human’s greatest motivator is pain. Human will only change when the pain of not changing is greater than pain of changing (which means sometimes when you nag to become nuisance enough, maybe your boyfriend/husband will change, lol). Human do something, anything, only because the pain of not doing something is greater than doing.

Writers wrote not only because they want to, -- great writers, the best of the best, at least – they wrote and write because they have to. If they don’t write, they will be lost because that’s where their passion lies. The same goes with musician I guess. Real musician will never, ever really quit. That’s their reason to live.

So I guess my real question is: What a guy lacking a passion should do? What normal guys like us who didn’t have any life-altering event do? Wait for the so-called life-altering time to come? Live life by playing the ‘Let the nature takes it course’ card? It’s such a lame way to live at best and meaningless way of living at worst. And yet I know passion cannot be forced in the same way of love can’t; because passion, more or less, is love.

And that's another word worth thinking, wondering, pondering, day-dreaming: Passion.

Our Paths a Line

Cowbirds in Love : Our Paths a Line

I don't know why this comic hits me. Maybe I'm in blue.

Update: It's officially Coco's wallpaper.

Perfect Answer

Photo: Just because I can by Listener42

I was thinking about perfect answer (Nah, who am I trying to kid? I'm just bored and pretending to be creative, or depressed and slowly succumbing to tempting and seductive madness. I prefer the dramatic latter version, so that's my official story), and while it's not perfect (perfection is so overrated, anyway), I think I came close.

And the answer, ladies and gentlemen, the great result of hard thinking with sleep-deprived brain and boredom-induced mind is..

Just because I can.

And any variations you might think of.

Don't you see? It came close to answer any stupid question any idiotic intuitive vain mortal thrown at you.

Wait, wut? What do you mean you are not impressed? No, no, no, don't go yet, I'll show you some awesome scenarios.

Why do you wake up early? Just because I can.

Why do you fail your test? Just because I can!!!

Hey, why do you snatch my dinner? Just because I can. Got problem with that, huh, punk?!

Oh my! Oh my! Oh my! Why did you explode the whole freaking city?!??! Just.. because.. I.. cannnn!!! Muahahahahahahaha!!!!1!1!!

Yeah, laugh like this.

Maniacal Laugh by Eebil-Bob

See? I told you, you would see it my way.

Of course, answers like “I don’t know” or even plain old *shrug* that is used invariably by teens and preteen throughout the world may also achieve the same effect. But hey, “just because I can” shows that you *can* do it and prefer not to, which is waay cooler than admitting you don’t know.

Besides, when you answer maniacally, people tend to leave you alone, which is the whole purpose of ‘ultimate answer’, right? Right.

Second Monitor?

I've been doing my assignments diligently with a little hint of maniacally, and after reading what Lifehacker editors show off in their daily tech usage, my first thought is: 'I'm jealous!!!',  followed by: 'Sigh. I need second monitor badly'.

Don't get me wrong, I love Coco very much. (My laptop is Compaq, and she's quite small, just 13", so I gave a feminine name to her. Yeah, I'm un-creative. Or not creative. Meh.) But as I said, she is just a teeny 13-inch. When I'm doing my assignment , the switches between document, compiler, browser are not just annoying, they are distracting. Bleh.

The first thing that stopping me to buy it, is of course, money. You may argue it's not really expensive and you will be correct. But the second and more important reason is, I know time of the year when I really need a second monitor is every 6 month, which is when the deadline of the assignment is oh so near.

I just hope  I can seal a deal (and it rhymes!) with my friend's old laptop (more to it if I succeed, pray for me!). Or you could be more generous and buy for me one?  Ah, well, I probably should be doing my assignment rather than daydreaming. (technically speaking, or should be technically typing, it's night, but well..)

Suicide Discussion, Logic and Thought

Disclaimer: No, I don’t want to commit suicide. Not now. Not in foreseeable future. And hopefully not ever. Now that’s been cleared, let us continue.

I bring to you one sad suicide case of Bill Zeller. To quote Gizmodo introduction:

Zeller was a victim of sexual and psychological abuse. It's clear from his writing that the abuse left him unable to interface with the world in any way that didn't leave him feeling he was too sullied to have the same experiences that he thought others had. He had a self-described "darkness", which despite his prostration it's clear he handled more ably than perhaps he ever realized.

Programming was a solace, but only temporarily. Zeller never felt he could escape the things that had happened to him because he carried his torment with him everywhere.

Go read it before we discuss about it.

It’s sad. It shouldn’t end this way. But to a degree, I do understand what he’s talking about. Some of you may just wave him as stupid, emo, etc. Don’t. Just don’t. Let’s just say if that’s your opinion, you have never experienced his pain.

If you read his last words until the end, you will see his reasons, his logic. And believe me when I say there is a simple logic for understanding people who commit suicide. They feel their whole life is just a big misery. Pain that never ends. And every time they try to imagine their future, there is no happiness. There is no future that they want to live in.

Bill Zeller believe even his existence hurt people around him because of his inability to trust, to bond, to love. And when someone is considering suicide, they can only thought about people who will be hurt when they die irresponsibly. But what if they hate their family? What if they hate their friends? Or to quote Zeller himself:

People say suicide is selfish. I think it's selfish to ask people to continue living painful and miserable lives, just so you possibly won't feel sad for a week or two.

And for those who believe that when human die they just cease to exist, it’s a logical conclusion to commit suicide, right? There will be no pain. No hurt. Nothing. Just… stop existing.

I don’t know, Zeller. I don’t know you but I think your words will sadden me even until the far future. I believe in after-life. And the sad thing is, I don’t think Zeller’s pain will stop because of his suicide.

Now, I’m definitely not an expert in psychology. I never dealt with this kind of pain. I have never been abused, psychologically or physically. I lived in a quite happy family, get a fairly good grade, and not living in poverty. Much luckier than many people, I know. The only real pain I ever known is teenage-angst and the sense of losing life’s purpose. Even then I know I’ve never been truly alone.

So please. If you’ve ever known someone who wants to commit suicide, don’t scorn, don’t insult, don’t look down. Don’t say they are stupid or anything. What they need is understanding. Love. If you truly have nothing good to say, do everybody a favor and shut up.

And for those who have ever have a suicide thought or even having suicidal thought now, all I can say is, please, things always got better. In one way or another, there is always a better future. Certainly, it won’t be easy. Heck, to some, it won’t even be hard. For some, it’s almost impossible. But don’t give up. And may you someday realize that in the end, you are never truly alone.

So, do you, readers, have something to share, something to discuss, something to add or disagree with? Share in comment.