Past Present Future. It’s just perspective.

It’s has only been 2 months ago since my last post, yet it feels like such a long time. Memories of it is fuzzy at best, like looking through a tinted glass. Interesting would be the best word to describe the experience as it covers wide range of emotion and feel, however unoriginal the word is.

What happened, you might ask (or you might not; well you should, oh ye unsympathetic reader!) Change, change and more changes happened. I wouldn’t call it fun, though it’s definitely eye-opening. The knowledge that I am still ignorant and have lots to learn, have lots to grow, only fills me with grim determination.

I am sure I wouldn’t call working as fun, despite there is fun aspect to it. And while I’ve been working for one month and half (feels much longer than that, although my ignorance will keep reminding me that yes, it’s only been that short) , it still doesn’t feel like working. Feels more like forced learning, but at the end of the day I know money is rolling in. An overall win situation, just not for the lazy part of me.

Graduation, which is technically just one more day, hits more like the last nail in the coffin, the echoes taunting: yep, you are old. And the world is still such a big, scary place. It always reminds me the most heart-moving scene from The Legend of 1900, which is truly a must-watch movie.

The Legend Of 1900 (Last Scene Dialogue)

Christ, did you... did you see the streets, just the streets? There were thousands of them! Then how you do it down there, how do you choose just one... one woman, one house, one piece of land to call your own, one landscape to look at, one way to die...?

—

Or maybe I am looking it from a wrong perspective. Human—short-sighted, limited, yet so staggering in its arrogance—perspective.

I simply didn’t factor God inside of my supposing 'grand plan’. The future possibilities with God is exciting. Limitless, but brings joy in the midst of the endless possibilities. No matter which future, which proverbial street I choose, He’d already know and He prepares the best for me. That’s a far more comforting thought, by miles (or kilometre, because really, Imperial unit is annoying, and why won’t it die already?!)

I have a lot to be grateful for, really. I complained about graduation but I forgot to give thanks for the good result. I complained about working yet I forgot to give thanks for a job.

I really still have lots to learn. And that’s okay, learning is good. Learning is growing. Life is hard, yes, yet it is wonderful.

Not a Goodbye

It's my last day in Batam. And I have truly enjoyed doing nothing aimlessly. That is my way of running away but running away from what? That is my 1 million question for this past two weeks.

 I have pretty much shove this uncomfortable feeling to the deepest pit of my heart; let it rot, die a deserved miserable death by itself, as I thought it was simple worry of my future, and that kind of worry is beneath me. But no, in my desperation I recognize it for what it is. It's my way of saying goodbye, though it is never truly a goodbye.

 And I realize despite everything that happens, that will happen, this is the place where I grew, a place of memory, and I miss it. I am still missing it.

Changes and Closure.

Nothing screams 'change' more than packing up. Not last exam, hours of writing each and every flowery words I could generate from hours of cramming things in my brain. Not last presentation, in which I try to justify my FYP, and no, it doesn't suck, Mr. Supervisor and Mr. Advisor, not at all. Not eating spaghetti for last time, with sudden realization that I was bored of it. Maybe I've known it all along.

Throwing things feels like throwing evidence of my life away. Part of my life, discarded, lost in sea of memory. That's what my sentimental brain said while my logical brain scoffed: If I have no use for it, then it means nothing— was never important enough to mean anything— but only a rare reminder.

Housemates who are leaving, another reminder of changes. We may not be close at all (mostly my fault, I'll acknowledge that, or better, I have to acknowledge that), but it is quite sad to see them leaving. Not because of the curt goodbye (I don't care much for goodbyes), but because of a reminder of what a failure of housemate I've been and knowing all the communication we'll be doing are odd conversations here and there at Facebook.

This emotional turmoil, it's because I don't want to acknowledge the changes, but it's pretty hard when reality hits you hard right in the face. The torrents of emotion I've been feeling is the comfortable bubble of denial forcefully popped, the warmth of hiding blanket being taken away. Opportunities, what could have been, all the ‘what if’s and ‘if only’s. Time is running out, or maybe it has run out a long time ago.

I grieved, as always. Just because it feels like the right thing to do. Grieving gives a closure, the permission to move on.

And I reached the final stage of grief: acceptance. Year of challenge, eh? Bring it on.

Gloom and Gollum

So, I am unofficially graduated. Or another way to look at it, jobless.

And everyone is saying congratulation, while all I can wonder is: “For what?”

I guess people will say I can finally earn money. Really? Exchanging money with time? I’d rather have my time and freedom back. (Not that I really use my time well, heh).

I guess I am just confused. People always say follow your dream. Well, how about if you don’t know your dream? Interest, sure, multitude of it. But dream— real dream— where I’ll give up everything to attain it? No, not now, not since ever I guess. And maybe not ever. Now, that’s just depressing.

I guess I never really imagine that I will be out of student life, be one of those so-called “adult”. Though I never like school (yeah, I am all sunshine and roses, merciless desert sun and thorn in roses, that is), but I always like learning.

Working life is also learning, sure. Learning social ethics, office politics, how to boot-lick. Yeah, charming. What an exciting existence. Exactly the life I always wanted to have </sarcasm>.

I always struggle with the meaning of life and this time, reality hits me hard. No more running, no more cushion. And thinking about from now until the rest of my life, there will only be work?

..wonderful.

Oh, and happy independence day, Indonesia!

God's War

When even grim, bloody, honest, epic, weird, terrifying, wonderful, broken, melancholic book (so many adjectives I must come up to describe this book, and even then it doesn't do it enough justice) like God's War fails to fill me with grim determination, I know I'm pretty much screwed. Yeah.

On side note, go read God's War by Kameron Hurley. For what it worth, it is one of the top five of my favorite book.

...I don't even

How time flies. And as much as I want to ponder about how time is moving so fast, I don't have the luxury to. In fact, all I want to do this past few days is to think, to ponder, to meditate, to digest all the things happening lately. But I can't seem to find the time. (Which, I can hear you complain, is bullshit. You will find time for things that you regard as important.)

And yes, all those fancy words just to whine that I am busy. And the knowledge that I am busy is enough to make me depressed and not wanting to do anything. (No, not procrastinating. What? The fact I wasted the whole morning to read some 'important' tech news? That's not procrastinating. Not at all. Shut up.)

And I am writing a blog post while I've been crying that I am so busy from the start until the end of this post? That's dedication. That's resolution, baby.

....please love me, I am usually not such a bad procrastinator and liar. *teary eyes*

Special Birthday? Surprisingly yes.

 

So, here I am, actually writing a real birthday post on my birthday for once. I started doing this ‘tradition’ or habit of writing a post regarding my birthday since I have a blog and I intend to honor my promise now.

And hey, no class and water is coming back after 3 days of fitful water. So for the first time of my birthday, I am actually thankful.

__

So, people always says 21 is the turning point, a time when a boy becomes mature and evolve (Pokemon?) to a man. I don’t particularly care.

I know for sure I am going to graduate soon. I am moving to a workplace environment soon. I will most probably move to another country soon. That seems like a much bigger milestone than a tiny teeny birthday.

..and I am scared. No, worried and anxious will be a better word. Worried, so un-sexy word.

I am going to give a testimony about how God has affect my decisions, and I really don’t know what to say. It’s sad; have I really never include God in my making decisions or those are just insignificant enough to be remembered?

I plan to rectify that. I don’t know how, but I guess as I try, God will help to figure out the rest.

__

Twenties is really the time of confusion. But it’s also been the best time of my life. And I really thank God for it.

And though I am really worried about the future, I am learning to trust God with it. So in a midst of worries, I am also excited what God has in plan for me.

Here hoping for a great future. With God, always with God, never forget that.

Holiday and Some

What’s up peeps? (Don’t mumble on your screen, I can’t hear you) Anyway, that’s just polite small talk, I don’t really care, I just want to talk about my own holiday. And well, my holiday is sadly, almost over.

It’s been a memorable holiday, really. Not a lot of things can pull that off—creating remarkable memory, enough to know that I will miss it for years to come.

It’s scary how fast time is moving when you are having fun; but despite all the fun I had, there is a certain weight, a looming burden that seemingly out of sight, but is there, definitely there, its presence buzzing steadily, vaguely.

It’s like whisper of, “enjoy it man, because it might be for the last.”

I guess that’s as close as enjoy-for-last-time-before-dying experience that I could get.

__

Maybe there is pain because of struggling by our unbelieving.

Oh well, faith is not my strong point—although maybe once it was, when I still had the innocence and naiveté of a child.

Maybe I should learn to trust in God.

How? That is the question, isn’t it?

__

Coming home leaves me with a mixed feeling. It feels more like a duty, a responsibility, rather than a joy. But my room, my old room, is the real place when I can truly be alone. And despite my quietness in home (or in anywhere, realistically speaking), I know that home is the real place I can run to, and my parents are the people that I can really rely on no matter what.

And that was it. Maybe I will never share my problems with them, but knowing that there always be a place when I am welcomed is comforting enough.

__

Back to the land where everything is not so angsty, my holiday is definitely great.

Going to different places in West Malaysia, doing a lot of things for the first time, spending time with wonderful friends, 38-ing around (to be fair, I do it all the time, not just on holiday, but oh well). It’s the most activity-packed holiday I ever had.

There is still 3 days left of my holiday. And I am going to squeeze out as much as I can.

So yeah, till next time!

__

Note: Far from what I am aiming for. Oh well.

Note2: I am not always so angsty, but I write best in emo mood. So yeah.

In Logic, Faith and Everything in Between.

So many thoughts in my mind. Too lazy to process them all. That’s what I get for overworking my brain for days.

On the brighter side, my assignments all been submitted. On the not-so-bright side, most of them are half-assed and rushed. On the definitely not bright side, I almost finish my semester already. Why do time move so fast? Is he learning how to teleport already? Sorry, if it is lame. Hah, like I really care.

When I said in the last post that it feels like a year of challenge, I mean it only mentally. Brain, knowledge, self-development, those things that are definitely pale in comparison. What I don’t expect is the challenge of my spiritual life.

Ah, faith, you significant but yet often unnoticed, you magnificent little thing. You are the embodiment of my Achilles heel. I’ve been returning to the basic questions of faith. I’ve been using logic to examine faith.

But logic VS faith is always an interesting question. Does logic has a place in a religion? Can they go hand-in-hand or will they always oppose each other?

Maybe I’ve thinking about things that I can never hope to understand. To bite more than I can chew, figuratively and mentally.But we, the totally awesome INTP, are the truth-seeker. We don’t get the moniker for nothing.

And somehow I know, though I will always wish to have more faith, I will always continue to doubt and questioning. And that is not necessarily a bad thing. It’s the way of my growth. God will not give human logical ability if He don’t want us to use it.

But then again, the most resounding question that Jesus asked is: 

When the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?

It will always be the question that comes back to me when I’m questioning God and faith and Christianity. Will I be one of those whom He can find faith in?

To close off, this post basically has written itself (writer cliché?). At first I just wanted to whine about how tired I am, but this is the result that come out. Maybe it’s my brain rebelling because I’ve push him too far.

And if this sounds depressing, well, I don’t care. Read at your own discretion, yo. Continue to grow. Live and learn.

..yeah

RIP 2011 (2011-2011)

Happy new year!

Ah, new year: an excuse for excessive drinking, eating, party and unholy amount of money spent for a few minutes firework.

…which despite my complain, I still partake in the excessive eating and enjoy the fireworks. I am a hypocrite, alright.

But hey, if new year celebration gives me an excuse for holiday, I won’t complain so much (except in this blog, hah).

2011 had been truly fun, really. To be able to witness the change of an era, it was such an honour, a privilege.

Looking back, it seems my life always revolve around change, the transition of leadership. It worries me. I could almost conclude that God is preparing me for something. What something, I don’t know — I can only hope it’s not for leadership.

On another note, 2012 is not exactly the year I am looking forward to. It reads too much like a year of challenge; but despite my unwelcoming, here it is— waltzing in unfazed by my rudeness, like a boss.

Anyway, this post look like me complaining on my period, so let me close this post with a more positive outlook: here hoping for a great 2012!