I've always a self-conscious child. I'm still a self-conscious young man . It means I thought people will notice the foolishness, mistake I made to the point of paranoia. It makes me shy, only wanted to blend in, fit in.
But now, after years struggling, I had it enough. And thus, I declared: I would not try to fit in anymore. Not anymore, not now, not in the future.
It's not foolishness; it's total madness. Trying to be what I am not, that is. And even if somehow I found a way to hold the mask long enough, it's just not worth it.
So what if I'm shy, awkward, not a great talker? It's who I am, and most of the times, it's easier to follow the current rather than fight it. Not to say I'm a coward (not in this case, anyway), but some fights are not worth it. Heck, most of fights are not worth it.
As my Enneagram (it's one popular type of personality system) type states, I'm a 5-4-9. All the three type I had is passive type (and some people wonder why I'm so lazy. It's not laziness, people, it's passiveness!).
But hey, the description of 5-4-9 taken from Personality Types certainly had the paradox I love.
5-4-9: shy, somewhat fragile and a bit romantic, such Fives tend to put on a congenial facade to hide their rich inner worlds from the society. They outwardly appear friendly but reserved, usually mysterious to other people who sense there is more depth and intensity hidden behind their amiable mask. These Fives have rich imaginations and love to immerse themselves in thoughts and fantasies. They are introspective, dreamy, creative and socially withdrawn, but also disorganized and painfully avoidant.Mysterious. I like the word. So far, only one person had said it to me directly.
typical subtypes: self-preserving, sexual, 5w4
similar tritypes: 5-9-4, 9-5-4, 4-5-9
flavours: insightful, imaginative, enigmatic and unstructured
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