Resolution

Photo: INDIVIDUALITY by cfinke

I've always a self-conscious child. I'm still a self-conscious young man . It means I thought people will notice the foolishness, mistake I made to the point of paranoia. It makes me shy, only wanted to blend in, fit in.

But now, after years struggling, I had it enough. And thus, I declared: I would not try to fit in anymore. Not anymore, not now, not in the future.

It's not foolishness; it's total madness. Trying to be what I am not, that is. And even if somehow I found a way to hold the mask long enough, it's just not worth it.

So what if I'm shy, awkward, not a great talker? It's who I am, and most of the times, it's easier to follow the current rather than fight it. Not to say I'm a coward (not in this case, anyway), but some fights are not worth it. Heck, most of fights are not worth it.

As my Enneagram (it's one popular type of personality system) type states, I'm a 5-4-9. All the three type I had is passive type (and some people wonder why I'm so lazy. It's not laziness, people, it's passiveness!).

But hey, the description of 5-4-9 taken from Personality Types certainly had the paradox I love.

5-4-9: shy, somewhat fragile and a bit romantic, such Fives tend to put on a congenial facade to hide their rich inner worlds from the society. They outwardly appear friendly but reserved, usually mysterious to other people who sense there is more depth and intensity hidden behind their amiable mask. These Fives have rich imaginations and love to immerse themselves in thoughts and fantasies. They are introspective, dreamy, creative and socially withdrawn, but also disorganized and painfully avoidant.

typical subtypes: self-preserving, sexual, 5w4
similar tritypes: 5-9-4, 9-5-4, 4-5-9
flavours: insightful, imaginative, enigmatic and unstructured

Mysterious. I like the word. So far, only one person had said it to me directly.

Confused Twenties

There was a time I thought I don't need goal. With intelligence and hardwork, I would achieve anything my heart set to. Dream, motivation and planning are reserved for lesser human.

I was at Primary 4. I was 10 years-old.

Now -- another lifetime for the 10 years-old me -- I've learnt, at least enough to know it was such an arrogant thought, based on nothing but ignorance laced with hint of naivety.

I understand enough what defines man, sets course to his whole life, boiled down to this simple, overused word: Goal.

Not many things worth the energy and time -- or more specifically -- my whole life dedication. Among those worthy few, I wonder whether the payback would be greater than sacrifice?

I wonder, while standing in the great gate of transition, whether I had the luxury of time to contemplate passion and courage to jump the risks?

I wonder if I could find purpose of life; and if I did, dare I, would I, could I give up everything to pursuit it?

And I tell myself: Welcome abroad from angsty teenage to the confused twenties.

Passion

To rediscover yourself. That's one of the best thing that ever happen to men, if Myles Kennedy and Jason Mraz are any indication.

I found it quite staggering. Both men are two of my favourite musician and singer in the world. You can just felt it when listening to their song, they don't just sing, it's more like they pour their heart and soul out through songs. It’s what distinguish them from dozens of dozens rubbish singers out there.

When checking out Myles Kennedy profile, he's a guy who had risen from depression caused by hearing problem. For a born musician and singer (figuratively speaking, of course) like him, with music flows blood-vessel, printed in the DNA, hearing problem sounds (no pun intended) almost a death sentence. His life will never be the same, only not in a good way. How do I know? Well, just imagine the reason for you to wake up in the morning, and never be able to do it again, not in your whole life. No wonder his written song is so dark. But in spite of the overall darkness, what about him that really captivates me is: he sings with all his heart.

Then, Jason Mraz. His songs, oh his songs, totally in different level than others. Completely unique from most of the crap found in song billboard and sung by popular singers. Great songwriter, amazing musician, stunning singer, quirky personality, he got it all; all the ingredients that makes truly great artist stand out from others. And because I mostly listen to his fast-beat and creatively improvised live (his live songs is much more better, another trait that doesn’t shared with many artists) 'Tonight Not Again Live' album, it surprised me written in his biography that in 2006  he wants a break and suddenly rediscover himself (in Mraz’s own quirky way, I believe) after few months.

Both awesome men gets me thinking. It’s like a great person will always had a great experience. And after some pondering, I guess it’s quite logical and makes sense. Even after so long of a time, human’s greatest motivator is pain. Human will only change when the pain of not changing is greater than pain of changing (which means sometimes when you nag to become nuisance enough, maybe your boyfriend/husband will change, lol). Human do something, anything, only because the pain of not doing something is greater than doing.

Writers wrote not only because they want to, -- great writers, the best of the best, at least – they wrote and write because they have to. If they don’t write, they will be lost because that’s where their passion lies. The same goes with musician I guess. Real musician will never, ever really quit. That’s their reason to live.

So I guess my real question is: What a guy lacking a passion should do? What normal guys like us who didn’t have any life-altering event do? Wait for the so-called life-altering time to come? Live life by playing the ‘Let the nature takes it course’ card? It’s such a lame way to live at best and meaningless way of living at worst. And yet I know passion cannot be forced in the same way of love can’t; because passion, more or less, is love.

And that's another word worth thinking, wondering, pondering, day-dreaming: Passion.

Our Paths a Line

Cowbirds in Love : Our Paths a Line

I don't know why this comic hits me. Maybe I'm in blue.

Update: It's officially Coco's wallpaper.

Perfect Answer

Photo: Just because I can by Listener42

I was thinking about perfect answer (Nah, who am I trying to kid? I'm just bored and pretending to be creative, or depressed and slowly succumbing to tempting and seductive madness. I prefer the dramatic latter version, so that's my official story), and while it's not perfect (perfection is so overrated, anyway), I think I came close.

And the answer, ladies and gentlemen, the great result of hard thinking with sleep-deprived brain and boredom-induced mind is..

Just because I can.

And any variations you might think of.

Don't you see? It came close to answer any stupid question any idiotic intuitive vain mortal thrown at you.

Wait, wut? What do you mean you are not impressed? No, no, no, don't go yet, I'll show you some awesome scenarios.

Why do you wake up early? Just because I can.

Why do you fail your test? Just because I can!!!

Hey, why do you snatch my dinner? Just because I can. Got problem with that, huh, punk?!

Oh my! Oh my! Oh my! Why did you explode the whole freaking city?!??! Just.. because.. I.. cannnn!!! Muahahahahahahaha!!!!1!1!!

Yeah, laugh like this.

Maniacal Laugh by Eebil-Bob

See? I told you, you would see it my way.

Of course, answers like “I don’t know” or even plain old *shrug* that is used invariably by teens and preteen throughout the world may also achieve the same effect. But hey, “just because I can” shows that you *can* do it and prefer not to, which is waay cooler than admitting you don’t know.

Besides, when you answer maniacally, people tend to leave you alone, which is the whole purpose of ‘ultimate answer’, right? Right.